Marriages

Red Skelton shared his humor with us for decades. He did so without four-letter words and raunchy antics. Throughout his career, he gained the respect of his fellow performers and audiences alike, and always was considered a top entertainer in his field. As we deal with our myriad day-to-day problems, a little levity is a welcome respite in today's world. Below are Mr. Skelton's tips for a happy marriage.

• Two times a week, we go to nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
  
  
• We also sleep in separate beds, Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
  
  
• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  
  
• I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere we haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
  
  
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  
  
• She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
  
  
• My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake.
  
  
• She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  
  
• She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
  
  
• Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
  
  
• Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
  
  
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  
  
• I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
  
  
• The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."