THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD

1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you," although it does help if you say it with a Southern accent.
   
   
2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
   
   
3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
   
   
4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
   
   
5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
   
   
6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny.
   
   
7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
   
   
8. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
   
   
9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
   "I apologize" and "You are right".
   
   
10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
    
    
11. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
    
    
12. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was,
    "Go! You might meet somebody!"
    
    
13. If she says that you are too good for him--believe her.
    
    
14. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
    
    
15. At hard times I ask myself, "How do I feel? What do I want?" I use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts.
    
    
16. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
    
    
17. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
    
    
18. If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
    
    
19. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
    
    
20. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan and hold your hand.
    
    
21. Work is good but it's not that important.
    
    
22. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
    
    
23. And finally...Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.