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- Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you," although it does help if you say it with a Southern accent.
- Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
- Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
- When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
- Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
- Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny.
- You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
- If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
- The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
"I apologize" and "You are right".
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
- The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was,
"Go! You might meet somebody!"
- If she says that you are too good for him--believe her.
- I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
- At hard times I ask myself, "How do I feel? What do I want?" I use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts.
- Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
- If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
- Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
- Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan and hold your hand.
- Work is good but it's not that important.
- Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
- And finally...Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
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