Things I've Learned From My Children


  • There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

  • If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

  • A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

  • If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

  • It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

  • Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

  • You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

  • When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

  • A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

  • The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.

  • Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

  • A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

  • A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

  • If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.

  • A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

  • Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

  • Duplos will not.

  • Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

  • Super glue is forever.

  • McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

  • Ditto Tarzan.

  • No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

  • Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

  • VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

  • Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

  • Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

  • You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

  • Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

  • Plastic toys do not like ovens.

  • The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

  • It will however make cats dizzy.

  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

  • Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

  • A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).