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A PRIMER IN POLITICS AND ECONOMICS AROUND THE WORLD |
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DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So? SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. Your cows enjoy the highest standard of living in the world. COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for 5 hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. LIBERTARIAN: You have two cows. You would have more cows but the government interfered. Your cow ownership is covered by the 2nd amendment. Everything is covered by the 2nd Amendment. You wonder what kind of drugs your cows like to use. AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. You give yourself a 5 cow stock option as a reward and then set up an offshore corporation to shelter the milk. FRANCE: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and have a bottle of wine. Life is good. JAPAN: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. 40 years later you get milk. GERMANY: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. They then try to invade France. ITALY: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. Not to worry. The Germans will find them for you. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You pinch her bottom. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIA: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over no matter many cows you really have. TALIBAN: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You cover the cows and do not allow them to be seen in public. The US military then bombs your cows. POLAND: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. FLORIDA : You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Your brother gets to count the votes. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of cow experts from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one. TEXAS: You have two cows. One carries a 9 mm Glock and the other carries a modified AK47. They get into an argument over football and end up shooting each other. The NRA announces that guns don't kill cows, football does. You have Coronas and BBQ. You then have your new cowhide boots polished. Life is good. |
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