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A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it.

The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "G'day mate, can you tell me here I am?"

"Yes, of course", says the motorist. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top paddock on John Dawson's farm, 13.5 kilometres from Condobolin. John will be ploughing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you."

At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist..... "I see you're an accountant."

"Good Grief", says the other man, "you're right. How did you know that?"

"I employ accountants", says the balloonist. "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help."

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job.

He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....."How much do you want it to be?"

.....He got the job.

What's the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?

His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?

One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's an auditor?

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?

Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world.

Those who can count and those who can't.

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?

Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair,stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?

Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.