Bumper stickers

There are two types of pedestrians..the quick and the dead

Don't blame me. I'm only doing what my Rice Crispies told me to do.

My child was inmate of the month at the county jail.

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR"

If only men could be as satisfying as chocolate

time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like bananas

Smile and the world audits your taxes

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.