Potpourie


	On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.

	Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

	Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

	You know how to say "constipated" in German? "Farfrumpoopen".

	You know you are a hypochondriac when your doctor tells you there is nothing wrong with you and you ask for a second opinion.

	Straight Up The liquor industry has lifted its voluntary ban on TV and radio ads. Says Alex Pearlstein, "They've also decided to sponsor a few network shows." Watch for: "Live with Chivas Regal and Kathie Lee" "Suddenly Sauza" "The Single Malt Guy" "It's a Wild Turkey Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown" "3rd on the Rocks From the Sun"

	Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A. Anyone can roast beef.

	Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment. Then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"

	Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse? Computers help us to do stupid things faster.

	Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

	Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

	Wouldn't it be nice to have a self-cleaning refrigerator?

	Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons

	Q. What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? A. They're hiring.

	If you don't know what game you're playing, ...don't ask what the score is!

	A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: - religion - royalty - sex - mystery The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

	Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.