Martha Stewart vs. Me

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for heaven's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it's because you are now BLIND!

Martha's way #8: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way #9: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a nonslip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way #10: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.